Welcome back to our summary of “Dating Sucks But You Don't“ by Connell Barrett. Now that we've explored the foundational principles and mindset shifts necessary to transform your dating life in part 1 of our summary, it's time to continue with part 2 and dive deeper into the practical strategies and techniques that will empower you to create genuine, fulfilling connections. So get ready to elevate your dating game and start experiencing the joy, excitement, fulfillment and fun that comes from the process of finding that special someone.
Channels of Interaction
Barrett introduces the concept of different frames or channels of interaction, which are unspoken sets of behavioral cues and assumptions that determine the context of social interactions and govern the way people relate to one another. He explains that almost every interaction with others falls into one of three frames:
Friend-to-Friend: This frame represents a purely platonic vibe with no sexual subtext. Interactions within this frame are characterized by a lack of romantic or flirtatious energy, and the relationship remains friendly and non-romantic.
Man-to-Woman: This frame represents a romantic context in which the masculine side of the man and the feminine essence of the woman click. Interactions within this frame are characterized by a flirty, romantic frequency that amplifies natural chemistry, fostering a deeper and more meaningful connection between the two individuals.
Patron-to-Professional/Business: This frame represents the way individuals relate to colleagues, clients, or the staff at, for example, restaurants and shops. It is a professional or business context that governs the interactions in these settings.
Barrett emphasizes that almost every encounter with a woman will fall into one of these frames, and it’s how the mind makes sense of social situations. He also highlights that dating problems arise when individuals inadvertently select the Friend-to-Friend channel with a woman they are interested in, rather than flipping to the Man-to-Woman channel.
By choosing the Friend-to-Friend channel, men often fall into the friend zone. They end up creating a purely platonic vibe, lacking a romantic context, treating potential romantic partners as buddies rather than potential lovers, and communicate in a polite, logical and analytical manner that is sure to kill any romantic connection.
On the contrary, Man-to-Woman Communication (M-W), is described as a turbocharged form of flirting that enhances the romantic connection between a man and a woman. M-W involves creating a romantic environment where the masculine traits of the man and the feminine essence of the woman come together, allowing for a deeper and more meaningful connection.
Components of Man-to-Woman Communication
Baseline Communication, Positive Spikes, and Negative Spikes are fundamental components of Man-to-Woman Communication (M-W) and are used in dating to create engaging and emotionally stimulating interactions. Here’s a explanation of each and how they are used in dating:
Baseline Communication: Baseline Communication represents having normal conversations while reflecting one’s sincere self. It involves sharing honest thoughts and feelings without the pressure to be funny or charismatic. Baseline Communication is all about keeping things simple and real in conversations.
Positive Spikes: Positive Spikes are elements that “spike” a woman’s emotions in a positive sense. They include compliments, flirty comments, physical expressiveness (such as appropriate touching or kissing), jokes, shared passions, and anything else that generates positive emotional responses. Positive Spikes are designed to create a fun, emotional ride for the woman while being authentic and sincere. They are used to convey romantic interest and create a romantic context in the interaction.
Negative Spikes: Negative Spikes involve teasing, playfully challenging, and busting her chops in ways she enjoys. They complement the Positive Spikes and add an element of playful tension to the interaction. When used appropriately, Negative Spikes can make the woman “chase” a bit, getting her more invested in winning the man over. Negative Spikes are not negative in a Debbie Downer way, but rather add a layer of playful challenge and tension to the interaction.
Positive and Negative Spikes are used to create an emotional rollercoaster that keeps the interaction exciting and engaging. By incorporating these spikes into the conversation, individuals can generate fun banter, stimulate both their and the woman’s emotions, and avoid falling into the friend zone.
It’s important to note that while using Positive and Negative spikes, individuals should maintain authenticity and avoid overdoing it. Too many spikes can make one come off as fake or try-hard, which can push women away. Therefore, finding the right balance between Baseline Communication, Positive Spikes, and Negative Spikes is crucial to creating a dynamic and engaging interaction while staying true to oneself.
Practical Advice for How to Talk to Women
To effectively communicate with women, it is important to show clear interest and make your romantic intentions known. This can be achieved through both verbal and non-verbal cues, such as maintaining strong eye contact and using physical touch and gestures within her comfort zone. Cultivating a confident tonality in your voice and assuming a Man-to-Woman body language, such as standing tall and widening your stance, can also help convey assertiveness and boost your emotional state during interactions. Increase sexual tension by moving your eyes in a "7" pattern from her right eye to her left eye and then down to her lips.
When approaching a woman, it is recommended to start with a power compliment that is sincere and specific, rather than focusing on her physical attributes. Compliment a woman's inner qualities like intelligence, wit, humor, or kindness. Share scary but honest feelings to show emotional vulnerability and encourage authenticity. Instead of trying to sell yourself, focus on if the woman matches what you're looking for. Be the buyer, not the seller, by seeing if she is right for you rather than trying to impress her.
Light teasing can also amplify attraction, but it is important to avoid sensitive topics such as appearance, family, job, or pets. By using a combination of teases and compliments, known as the Push-Pull technique, you can create a compelling emotional experience that keeps the conversation engaging and surprising. Create playful banter by pretending harmless details about her are deal breakers. Assign a nickname to create familiarity and show appreciation. Playfully accuse her of objectifying you to shift the dynamic to a more romantic context.
In situations where the interaction is not going as planned, it is advised to focus on changing the mood of the conversation rather than trying to convince the other person to change their mind. This can be achieved through humor, light-hearted banter, storytelling, or other means to shift the dynamics of the interaction. It is important to approach interactions with a positive attitude and a willingness to adapt in order to achieve successful outcomes.
The Duality of the Masculine and the Feminine
Barrett challenges traditional notions of strength and masculinity, encouraging men to explore all aspects of their identity in order to cultivate more meaningful and fulfilling relationships with others. He delves into the idea that embracing one’s feminine side does not diminish masculinity but rather adds depth and complexity to a person’s character, making them more attractive to potential partners.
Barrett posits that women are attracted to men who exhibit a balance of masculine and feminine energies. Being overly aggressive or disrespectful is not a sign of true strength. Women are looking for men who can demonstrate strength and resilience while also being in touch with their emotions and able to relate to others on a compassionate level. Barrett also encourages men to reject toxic masculinity, embrace vulnerability and empathy. This concept of being both tough and tender is presented as a more authentic and desirable way of relating to women and society as a whole.
The Challenges of Online Dating and How to Overcome Them
There are many challenges of online dating including gender imbalance, competition and visibility. According to the BusinessOfApps.com, as of February 2024, 75% of Tinder users are male. Plenty of Fish, as per Roast.Dating, has the same 4 to 1 ratio of men to women. In fact a similar pattern is echoed in the majority of dating apps. This gender imbalance leads to challenges in getting matches and messages for men, as women tend to be more selective in their swiping behavior.
With so much choice and a high number of male users, it’s no wonder that women only swipe right about 14% of the time on Tinder, while men swipe right at 46% of the time (as reported by the New York Times). This stiff competition makes it difficult for the typical guy to stand out among other profiles and get matches and messages when swiping for love.
Lucky for you Barrett has formulated actionable steps to solve these challenges and it starts with overhauling and optimizing your online dating profile. Here's how to do it:
Step 1. Stand Out: Post Magnetic Photos
Planning the Photo Shoot: Plan the photo shoot to result in five to ten new portraits that showcase different aspects of your personality and lifestyle. Dress well for the photo shoot, avoiding sweats, ball caps, or any attire that doesn’t convey a first-date impression. Choose at least two different outfits and consider shooting at a couple of different locations, such as a park and your home, to provide variety and depth to your photo collection.
Capturing the Portraits: During the photo shoot, take numerous shots to ensure you have a variety of options to choose from. Most of the shots may not be usable, but the goal is to end up with five to ten excellent portraits.
Creating a Variety of Expressions: Put yourself in a loose, fun emotional state during the photo shoot, so that you’re genuinely laughing and cracking jokes while the photographer is capturing the shots. Authentic, natural smiles and expressions are more attractive to women than forced smiles.
Testing the Photos: After the photo shoot, test five to ten of your best portraits on Photofeeler, a site that offers focus-group feedback on dating photos, to get unbiased feedback from women.
Selecting the Best Portraits: Based on the feedback from Photofeeler and potentially from female friends, select the top-scoring portraits to use for your dating profile. The top-scoring portrait should be made your featured dating-app photo, and the second slot should feature the highest-rated portrait that has a different look and a different outfit from your featured photo.
Step 2. Stand Out: Write a Bad-ass Bio
The Four-Line Formula:
Infuse your bio with positivity and good vibes but keep your bio concise and to the point. Barrett has a four-line formula to creating an engaging and effective dating app bio:
Line 1 - The Hook: The first line of the bio is referred to as “the hook.” This line is designed to grab the reader’s attention and make her smile. It should be a clever and engaging statement that piques her interest and encourages her to continue reading the bio. Steer clear of clichés, generic greetings, and quotes from favorite movies or TV shows. Instead, focus on crafting a unique and captivating hook that sets the tone for your bio.
Line 2 - Personal Details and Humor: The second line should include some cool and interesting details about yourself. It’s an opportunity to inject humor and showcase your personality. This line can also mention your career and/or family to add a personal touch and show some heart. You can incorporate elements that women are drawn to, such as dogs, yoga, the beach, surfing, a cool job, and delicious foods like guacamole.
Line 3 - What You’re Looking For: In the third line, you can express what you’re looking for in a woman, and/or suggest what your first date might be like. This line provides insight into your preferences and sets the stage for potential interactions and dates.
Line 4 - Call to Action: The final line of the bio is a call to action. It compels the reader to match with you or respond in a specific way. This call to action can be playful, engaging, and should encourage the reader to take the next step in interacting with you.
Example of the Four-Line Formula:
Line 1 (The Hook): “CAUTION! Proceed with caution when viewing my profile - it has been known to cause sudden onset of heart palpitations and uncontrollable affection!”
Line 2 (Personal Details and Humor): “Loves: my job as a fire fighter, my big Italian family, guacamole, working out, and rom-coms (Yeah, I’m a big softie)”
Line 3 (What You’re Looking For): “If you’re funny, intelligent, family oriented and love puppies, let’s go for a walk on the beach”
Line 4 (Call to Action): “Would you rather have unlimited pizza or unlimited tacos for life?”
Step 3. Increase Your Dating Profile Visibility
By using the premium paid features of a dating app you can significantly increase your chances of dating success.
Premium Memberships: With the right profile, premium memberships, such as Tinder Gold, can deliver quality results, as they allow individuals to stand out and can be seen by a larger audience of potential matches.
Boosting: When you boost your profile, it goes to the front of the line, and the maximum number of women see you. Boosting during prime time allows you to gauge the impact of your profile changes.
Super Likes: Super Likes notify women that you’re interested, putting your profile at the top of their queue. This feature can increase visibility and demonstrate a higher level of interest, potentially leading to more matches.
Video Loop Feature: Short video clips on profiles bring individuals to life, allowing them to showcase their interests, physical activities, fun moments, or sweet and lovable interactions, providing a glimpse into their lifestyle and personality. This feature can make profiles more engaging and appealing to potential matches.
Step 4. Craft Openers That Get a Response
Compliment Question Strategy: Check out her bio to spot something peculiar, fascinating, or cool. Message her what caught your eye and throw in a question that's right up her alley of expertise. This approach not only lets her share her passion but also shows you've taken the time to read up on her interests.
Compliment Tease Method: Start off your message with a genuine compliment. Then, instead of following up with a question, playfully rib her about something - maybe it's about the TV series she's obsessed with or an unusual piece of jewelry she's flaunting in one of her pictures. Just remember to keep the teasing friendly and fun, steering clear of anything that might come off as rude.
Be Funny, Be Respectful and Be Interesting: Open with some humor and playful banter but avoid being too sexual too soon. You can let her know she's attractive but do not comment on her body parts. Get her interested by being flirty, witty and playfully challenging her.
Step 5. Keep Your Conversations Flowing
Adopt a "Give, Give, Give, Ask" Philosophy in Messaging:
Focus on Giving Value: The majority of your messages should offer something of value to the woman. This can include:
Humor: Jokes, lighthearted teasing.
Compliments: Sincere compliments that make her feel good (avoid being shallow).
Conversation Starters: Thought-provoking questions, interesting topics.
Authentic Interaction: Genuine conversation that shows you're interested in getting to know her.
Sparingly Ask: After giving value, occasionally ask for something you want, like her phone number or a date.
The Benefit of Giving: When you provide value, she's more likely to respond positively when you ask for something. It creates a sense of reciprocity - she wants to give back because you made her feel good.
What NOT to Do When Messaging:
Don't be Needy: Avoid constantly "asking" for things (her availability, hanging out) without offering any value in between.
Don't be Boring: Repetitive and boring messages "How's your day?" are generic and show little effort.
Don't Seek Validation: Don't fish for compliments or reassurance.
Remember, it's about making her smile and feel noticed in a positive way and give more than you ask, and your chances of getting what you want (a date) will increase.
Step 6. Get Her Number
Don't Wait Too Long: Many guys wait too long to ask for a woman's number, which can lead to her losing interest or questioning your confidence. The goal is to meet in person, not just chat endlessly on the app.
Gauge Her Interest: Before asking for her number, engage in conversation about 1-2 topics (3 at most) over a few messages. However, if she seems very responsive early on, you can ask for her number after just one topic and a few messages.
Asking for Her Number: Here's a suggested approach: " Hey, [name], I've noticed you're really [something you admire about her]. We should definitely text off of [app name]. What's your number?"
Capitalize on Positive Moments: If you make her laugh and she responds positively, that's a good opportunity to ask for her number. Example: "I love how you get my humor plus you give off major chill vibes. Want to text off of Tinder? What's your number?"
Follow Up Quickly: Once you get her number, text her soon, ideally right away. This is not needy if you follow the "Give, Give, Give, Ask" philosophy.
There's a Time Limit: In general, you have 3-7 days to ask her out after getting her number. The longer you wait, the less likely she is to be interested in meeting up.
How to Have a Great First Date
First Date: The Three-Act Structure
A great first date is one where two individuals go from barely knowing each other to feeling a strong emotional connection and the process of creating this connection can be visualized through the arc of an ideal first date. This arc consists of three phases known as the Triangle of Connection, which occur chronologically throughout the date.
The Phases of the Triangle of Connection:
“How’s the Weather”: During the initial ten to fifteen minutes of the date, this phase is characterized by engaging in light conversation and easing into a comfortable rapport. At this point, there's no need to stress about being clever or charming here.
“You and Me”: During this second phase of the date, the majority of your time will be devoted to engaging in conversations that delve into more personal topics about one another. As the date moves forward, these discussions will pave the way for forming a deeper emotional bond and connection.
“We”: By the time you hit the third phase, you're not just two people hanging out; you're a team, a unit, a couple. You maybe even feel that vibe where it seems like you've been together forever, even though it's just your first time hanging out.
To enhance the romantic connection during the date, it is helpful to understand and utilize the Three Romantic Escalators.
First Date: Romantic Escalator #1. Creating an Emotional Connection
Typically, it's advisable to start with light-hearted teasing, playful jokes, and flirtatious banter at the beginning, then as the date progresses, gradually shift towards making a deeper connection by showing your genuine and open self.
Creating deep connections on first dates involves getting to know the other person on a more intimate level. This can be achieved by asking open-ended questions that prompt the other person to share her passions and emotions. For example, questions like "What do you want to experience in life?” or “How do you want to grow and develop yourself?” can lead to a meaningful conversation about what brings joy and excitement to their life. By understanding what makes her tick, you can establish a deeper connection based on shared values and experiences.
When the other person shares a passion or interest, such as teaching yoga, it's important to delve deeper into why they feel so strongly about it. By asking follow-up questions like "Why do you love teaching yoga so much?" you can uncover the emotional significance behind their attachment to a particular activity or place.
Connecting with a woman on a deeper level involves understanding her emotional triggers and what makes her feel special or unique. For example, if she mentions that teaching yoga gives her immense satisfaction in helping others feel good, it indicates that she values feeling special and extraordinary. By reciprocating and sharing your own experiences of feeling satisfaction in helping others, you can establish a sense of mutual understanding and connection.
First Date: Romantic Escalator #2. Physical Expressiveness
Physical expressiveness is another important aspect of creating deep connections on a first date. Start off playing it cool and not getting too touchy. But as things move forward, progress with simple gestures like a warm hug or a high five. Remember to gauge your partner's receptiveness, body language and nonverbal cues and adjust your actions accordingly. Then continue with actions such as your arm around her shoulder, whispering in her ear, and hand-holding. As things become more intimate, you can initiate the first kiss.
The decision to go for the first kiss should be based on the deep “We” connection and the presence of natural chemistry between you and your partner. Verbal and physical cues, such as laughter and leaning closer, are some indicators of the right moment to initiate the first kiss. These cues can provide clarity about the other person’s feelings and receptiveness to physical intimacy. It is important to respect the other person’s boundaries and there be appropriate verbal communication to ensure mutual understanding and comfort between partners. If the individual does not seem receptive to the first kiss, it is advised to refrain from making another awkward attempt and to wait for a more opportune moment.
To initiate the kiss, start by looking at her, smiling, and telling her to close her eyes. If she does, it means she's open to kissing, if not, no big deal. By planting the idea of kissing in her mind, you're building up sexual tension without getting rejected. While she's talking, glance at her lips, then her eyes, then back down to her lips, smile, shush her gently, lean in, and kiss her. After the kiss, tell her you've been wanting to do that all night. As you go on more dates, you'll learn to read a woman's body language and know when the right moment to kiss is.
First Date: Romantic Escalator #3. Take Her on an Adventure
The third romantic escalation technique, logistical escalation, involves changing locations a few times during a date in order to create a sense of adventure and excitement. An example could be starting off in one location, such as a busy bar or pub, and then moving to a lounge with a sexier vibe, maybe with a tucked-away corner, for a more intimate atmosphere, and then afterwards take a walk on a secluded beach under the moonlight. When you change venues, you are essentially providing your date with multiple experiences in one evening. This makes the date feel more dynamic and engaging, as if it were a journey rather than just a static meeting.
Leading your date from place to place during the evening also allows you to build up a sense of connection and intimacy. By taking her hand or displaying gentlemanly behavior, you are guiding her through the different locations and creating a more memorable experience for both of you. Additionally, by demonstrating your ability to lead and make decisions, you are setting the stage for a potential transition to a more intimate setting, such as your home or hers, at the end of the date.
Asking someone to come to your place is a careful step. The advice is simple: go ahead and invite them if you want to. But, getting a yes is more likely if you've been leading her throughout the evening with venue changes, making the idea of a nightcap at your place seem like the natural next step in the progression of the date. A direct invite can seem too strong; the trick is to suggest a casual reason for the visit, like playing a game or meeting your pet. Saying you're enjoying the time and suggesting doing something fun at your place is a good mix of showing interest and being respectful. If she agrees, great. If not, don't worry; it's perfectly normal to be cautious early on in dating. Being understanding and calm about a no shows you're a good person and keeps the door open for later. In short, how and when you invite someone over matters a lot and can make both of you more interested and respectful towards each other.
Conclusion
In this second part of our summary of “Dating Sucks But You Don't“ by Connell Barrett, we've explored the nuances of effective communication, physical escalation, and leading your dates on an unforgettable journey. By understanding the different “channels“ of interaction and mastering the art of the romantic escalator, you now have the tools to cultivate deep emotional bonds and steer your dates towards a passionate romance.
Whether you're tackling the challenges of online dating or aiming to make a memorable impression on a first date, we hope that this summary has provided you with practical strategies and insights to navigate the modern dating landscape with confidence and authenticity. From crafting a magnetic dating profile to initiating meaningful conversations and physical connections, you're now equipped with the knowledge to elevate your dating game. Embrace these insights to transform your dating journey into one filled with joy and fulfillment.
If you're eager to dive deeper into the key concepts and actionable advice presented in this summary, we encourage you to consider purchasing the original book which you can do by clicking here. You can also check out Connell Barrett’s website here and podcast here for more great dating advice. And be sure to read the third and final part of our summary, by clicking here, where we'll explore advanced dating tactics, the art of approaching women, and Barrett's guidance on finding the “Right Person, Right Time“ for a fulfilling, long-term relationship.