Welcome back to the second part of our three part summary of Matthew Hussey's Get The Guy. In this post, we are going to dive into the key points of Hussey's advice on how to create attraction, how to make a great first date, ways to avoid the friend zone and other pitfalls if you're serious about getting the guy. If you didn’t read part 1 of our summary you can do so by clicking here.
In our last part, we left off on finding someone you could be interested in and getting him to ask you out on a date. Now let's get into what makes a man attracted to a woman and how you can apply it in your life.
The Perfect Attraction Formula Strategy
The qualities and values that people seek in others may vary greatly; however, the underlying principles of female attractiveness for men remain consistent. Although attraction is subjective by nature, it can be deconstructed into several key components:
Attraction = Visual Chemistry + Perceived Challenge + Perceived Value + Connection
These elements work together synergistically to shape an individual's subjective perception of attractiveness. Therefore, if your goal is to attract a man's attention or affection effectively; focus on cultivating these core components within yourself.
Visual Chemistry
Visual chemistry serves as the initial catalyst for attraction; however physical appearance alone does not determine desirability or long-term compatibility with someone special in your life. While men may fantasize about an idealized version of physical beauty based on societal standards at any given moment; it is important to recognize that such preferences are not set in stone nor universally applicable across individuals or cultures.
Instead of fixating solely on objective beauty which can be transient and fickle over time; it would be more advantageous for you to prioritize perceived attractiveness. This form of attractiveness is derived from behavioral aspects, such as engaging conversational skills, the ability to create sexual tension, self-assurance, being playful yet confident, and having purpose and passion. By focusing on these qualities, you can enhance your overall appeal and create a lasting impression on potential partners.
Perceived Challenge
The next component is perceived challenge. We value things that require effort more than those easily obtained. This applies to attraction; we're more interested in people whose attention we have to earn. A high-value woman becomes a perceived challenge by setting and adhering to her own standards. This doesn't mean she has to act superior or play hard to get, but rather she establishes her boundaries and expects them to be respected.
For example, if she has a rule of no sex on the first date, she will state it clearly and playfully, saying something like, "As cute as you are, I couldn't do that because I am a lady." Even though the guy is being turned down, he remains attracted to her because she is not only setting boundaries but also sticking to them, without acting superior or judgmental. This idea of being a challenge applies beyond just sex, though it's a common scenario where it plays out.
Perceived Value
Perceived value is more than just being attractive or playing hard to get - it's about showing a man that being with her will bring him experiences and fulfillment that he could never have alone or with any other woman. A high-value woman has a life that he wants to be a part of, and offers him a whole universe to explore, filled with loved ones, extraordinary experiences, a rewarding career, and other fulfilling aspects he aspires to. Being with her means being exposed to a whole new level of living and adds value to his life.
Connection
Establishing a genuine connection is fundamental for a lasting relationship. This connection makes spending hours with our partner effortless and brings joy to the simplest of activities. It sparks genuine interest in their life, values, and standards, fueling curiosity about their inner world. This leads to shared experiences, intimate moments, and adventures, building a strong and nurturing relationship. It is through this connection that we can truly understand, support, and grow with our partner throughout the journey of life.
Fundamentals of a Great Date: Dos and Don'ts
When it comes to first dates, most people follow a predictable routine that involves going to a mediocre restaurant for dinner, engaging in small talk, and trying to simply get through it without any major mishaps. However, this mindset focuses on avoiding a bad date rather than striving for a great one. This approach often leaves both parties feeling disconnected and uncomfortable. Instead, relax, have fun and just enjoy the date.
Relax and Have Fun
Rather than viewing a first date as a formal event, it's more helpful to think of it as a casual meet-up. This shift in mindset allows for a more relaxed and natural interaction between two people. Being lighthearted and injecting humor and playfulness on a first date promotes a more positive atmosphere, relieves tension, showcases personality, builds connection, and makes for better first impressions. However, it's important to balance humor with the other person's comfort level and maintain adaptability. So rather than planning an entire evening around the stereotypical dinner and a movie, think outside the box and come up with more creative and engaging date ideas.
Make it a Mini-Adventure
When it comes to memorable dates, it's all about the emotional investment. A great date should feel like a mini-adventure, where you can draw the guy into anticipating something playful is to come. If you’re going to an amusement park or carnival for your date, you could playfully say something like: “Just a warning, I’m terrified of roller coasters. I might need you to hold my hand and promise not to let me chicken out!” This gives him the “challenge” of having to be brave and reassuring for you. You can play into this by playfully pretending to get "nervous" and grabbing his arm tightly as you approach the coasters.
Dates should be dynamic which you can do by moving between locations. Instead of staying in one spot, try walking in a park and then going to a coffee shop. Or, visit a museum and then go axe-throwing or bowling. Changing locations makes the date memorable. Sometimes it's slow and intimate, other times it's fast and exciting. Different dating environments show different parts of your personality, helping you connect with each other. One date might show your sophistication, another how fun you can be in a social setting, and another your adventurous side.
Don't Be Afraid to Touch
When going on a date, it is important to establish a level of physical intimacy. Sitting opposite each other may not encourage touching, which can hinder the process of building a connection. This lack of physical contact can result in both individuals feeling awkward at the end of the date. It is crucial to become comfortable with light, playful touching throughout the date, relying on positive body language to create a natural progression towards a kiss. A successful date should feel like the physical intimacy is gradually increasing.
Be Engaged in the Conversation, Be Curious About Him
When a man is attracted to a woman, it's not just her looks that captivate him but also her demeanor, interactions, and overall impression. Show genuine interest in his life, listen actively, and engage in meaningful conversations to demonstrate depth. The goal of a first date is to get to know each other and explore the possibility of making a deeper connection. Being engaged in the conversation shows you value his thoughts and want to understand who he is, making the experience enjoyable and memorable, and laying the groundwork for future interactions.
Leave Your Baggage Behind
It's important to note that a first date is not the appropriate time to vent about your past relationships or complain about your past experiences. Instead, focus on the present moment and the potential for a future connection. Leave any baggage or negative emotions behind, even if you've had a difficult day or are feeling stressed. Maintaining a positive attitude and leaving your troubles at the door will create a more enjoyable and engaging experience for both of you.
Have a Purpose
One key characteristic that high-value women possess is a sense of purpose and direction in their lives. They have a clear vision for their future. Men find that highly appealing. It's important to convey your own ambitions and goals, demonstrating that you have a plan for your life and are actively working towards it. This will not only impress the man you're with, but it will also show that you are someone who takes initiative and is driven to succeed.
He's Paying Attention to How You Treat the Waiter
When a man is getting to know you, he observes not only your interactions with him but also how you treat others, including friends, acquaintances, and service staff, as this will give him insight into your character. Avoid gossiping or speaking negatively about others; instead, be kind, respectful, and supportive towards those around you. This showcases your empathy and compassion, qualities valued in a potential partner.
Be Confident in Your Sexuality
Confidence in one's sexuality is another attractive trait that men look for in a woman. It's important to embrace your own sexuality and believe in it. This doesn't mean you have to be overtly sexual or provocative, but rather that you are comfortable with your own desires and preferences. This self-assurance will make you more appealing to men, as it shows that you are secure in your own skin and not afraid to express your needs and desires.
Don't Be Shallow
Superficiality is a major turn-off for most men. They want to see that you value substance over appearance and are interested in getting to know the real person beneath the surface. Avoid focusing solely on material possessions or superficial qualities, and instead, emphasize your values, beliefs, and passions. Show that you have depth and substance and that you prioritize meaningful connections and genuine experiences.
When Should You Have Sex With Him
Hussey believes that there shouldn't be a predetermined number of dates before becoming sexually active. He suggests that this mindset can lead to unnecessary game-playing and make you lose sight of what really matters - building a bond with your partner.
Wait for the Emotional Hook Point
Rather than counting the number of dates you go on, focus on recognizing when you have established an emotional connection. This is when you should consider having sex with him. Once a guy reaches the "emotional hook point," he will start thinking about you even when you're not together. This emotional connection is built through shared experiences - not just going on typical dates, but doing activities together that create meaningful memories. The more quality time you spend and the more varied experiences you have together, the higher the chances of reaching that emotional hook point. But remember, it's not just about the amount of time spent together. The quality of that time and the depth of the shared experiences are what really matter.
Watch Out for Men Who Just Want to Use You
Be cautious of men who are just out for sex. How can you tell if a guy is only interested in hooking up? Well, it's not always easy to figure out, but there are some signs to look for. One of the first things to pay attention to is how he reacts when you deny him sex. If he gets emotional, angry, upset, or becomes too persistent about needing to have sex right away, that's a red flag. It shows that he either has no intention of seeing you again or that he has some emotional issues of his own. If this situation occurs, it is best to avoid going on further dates with them.
How To Say No When You Are Not Ready Yet
When it comes to dating, most guys secretly hope to have sex with their date at the end of the night but they understand that it may not happen. It's important to remember that denying a guy sex doesn't mean you have to be harsh or formal about it. You can say no in a way that doesn't make him feel rejected. For example, you could say something like, "You're really cute, but I don't move that fast," which still shows that you find him attractive. A guy who genuinely enjoys your company and wants to get to know you better will have no problem with waiting. So, keep an eye out for how he reacts when you set boundaries, and trust your instincts.
Dating Traps and Pitfalls to Avoid
Matthew's book also provides guidance to women about how to avoid dating pitfalls and steer clear of certain traps. Let's explore his insights in a little more detail.
The Fallacy of Playing Hard to Get
Playing hard-to-get may attract men initially by making you seem rare and valuable, but it often backfires. However, once he gets what he wants, he may lose interest and look elsewhere, as the attraction was based on the thrill of pursuit, not a genuine connection. When a woman relies solely on creating attraction through the chase, she often attracts tasteless and shamelessly persistent men who will try to manipulate their way into getting sex. They are not interested in a meaningful relationship, but rather in the conquest itself.
On the other hand, a high-value woman knows that she is a challenge without having to play hard-to-get because she has set high standards for the people she allows into her amazing world. She is the type of woman who makes a guy realize that he wants to be a better man for her. This kind of attraction is built on genuine qualities and compatibility, rather than on manipulation and games. She can tell a man her expectations while at the same time showing that she's interested in him. Articulating your standards isn't about being hard to get. It's about showing that only men who truly respect you, dedicate themselves, and invest their time and energy can win your heart.
The "Friend Trap"
The "friend trap" is when someone desires a romantic relationship, but the other person sees them only as a friend. This often happens to people who excel at building rapport but fail to express their sexuality enough to be seen as a potential romantic partner.
To escape the friend zone, avoid being his therapist for relationship issues with other women, as it leaves no room for flirting and showcasing your qualities. Acting as his coach may make you feel closer to him but doesn't guarantee a romantic connection.
When we like someone, we try to build a strong bond with them. This can lead us to agree with all their views and lower our standards. However, if you don't want to be seen as just a friend, be ready to challenge the person you like. While it may seem counterintuitive, breaking rapport can make you more attractive. Don't fake it, but if you disagree with something he says or likes, it's okay to express your own views. This shows you're not just a yes-woman.
One way to challenge him is to playfully say, "I could never be with you, you're way too much work." This suggests a possible relationship while making it clear it's not guaranteed, as it implies he'll need to meet your expectations and step up his game.
Another way to avoid the friend zone, is to make him have sexual thoughts about you. Establish yourself as a sexual being early on by subtly and tastefully displaying your sexuality. Dancing with him can catch his attention, and sharing flirtatious or personal stories with sexual undertones can be effective. Let him know you have sexual thoughts without explicitly stating you want to have sex or calling him sexy. These tips help maintain respect and dignity while making him think about you sexually.
Incorporate physical contact into daily interactions. Greet friends with a hug and kiss guys on the cheek. Make this a habit. Then, when you touch a guy you like, it will feel natural and not awkward. When flirting, be bolder: give a quick shoulder rub, a longer hug, or lean in to smell his cologne. These touches build closeness and signal it's okay for him to make a move.
The “Sex Object” Trap
According to Matthew Hussey the “sex object” trap is having femininity and sexuality minus the connection. Some women think the way to win a man's heart is through his penis. However, without a genuine connection and playfulness, they come across as shallow and lacking integrity. While a man may initially be drawn to this sexual energy, it eventually wears off, and he may move on to find someone who offers more than just physical attraction.
The "Serious Type” Trap
The "serious type” trap affects high-powered women who have achieved success in their careers. These women exude confidence, independence, and competence, but they may lack femininity and playfulness. They have become so focused on their professional lives that they may have neglected these aspects of their personality. While this persona is necessary in the working world, it can hinder their ability to create attraction in relationships. Men may see them as too serious and may not feel a strong connection or sense of playfulness with them.
The "Be Yourself” Trap
In the early stages of a relationship, a woman needs to showcase the traits of a high-value woman that make her desirable in the eyes of a man. For many women, embracing these traits may initially feel uncomfortable and challenging. For instance, if you are not accustomed to being sexual, it may seem out of character to express your sensuality. Similarly, if you are used to being serious, it may be difficult to be playful in a relationship. Additionally, being spontaneous might make you anxious if you are someone who prefers planning and structure.
When expressing these challenges with a friend, they might inadvertently tell you to "just be yourself" and that you don't need to change anything about yourself. However, this advice may not be helpful or practical, as it raises the question of what our true self really is. Is this self really your best self? Instead of changing who you are, what you are actually doing is focusing on developing and embracing the traits that contribute to a healthy and fulfilling relationship. This process involves self-reflection and self-improvement, as well as understanding your own desires and boundaries. By working on these aspects, you can become a woman who naturally embodies the qualities that attract and maintain a high-value man.
The Real Reasons of Why Guys Don’t Call
Why hasn't he called? This is a situation that often gives rise to misconceptions regarding the underlying causes behind his silence. Common assumptions include the notions that you intimidate him, or you weren’t pretty enough, or he fears commitment, or you were coming on too strong or he was only interested in having sex with you and nothing else. However, the truth is likely that there isn't enough chemistry between you or that certain aspects of your interactions are lacking, which could be attributed to these 9 reasons, for you being or having:
Too nice and provided no challenge
Boring
Too aggressive
Too superficial
Too desperate
Trying too hard to impress
Too negative
Too much of a drama queen and thinks you would be a nightmare over the long term.
No chemistry
At times, a lack of strong attraction exists between two individuals. A man may find pleasure in your company but fails to experience that magnetic pull of sexual energy. He may genuinely like you but sense an intangible disconnect. To foster chemistry, it's crucial to incorporate playfulness, teasing, flirting, and even moments of challenging him by breaking rapport. Being nice and agreeable alone won't ignite the desired spark. Also, without a genuine sexual connection, a man's interest may wane over time.
A woman should show different sides of her personality during a date, instead of being one-dimensional. She needs to be serious and dedicated to her career, but also be playful and fun. She should be sexy but also have class and not try to seduce everyone. It's not enough to have just one of these traits, she needs to be a whole package. Suppose a guy went on a date with a girl who seemed boring because she didn't have strong opinions, didn't banter, and didn't seem to have any hobbies or passions. He wouldn't be able to envision having meaningful interactions with her beyond matters related solely to sex.
These misunderstandings may lead a woman to think that the guy didn't call her again because they slept together too soon, but it was actually because her personality didn't come across well.
Don't Get Ahead of Yourself, Don't Force Things
Do you ever daydream about a future with someone you've just started seeing? You might picture holidays together, finding the perfect birthday gift, or even bringing him home for Thanksgiving. Soon, you're asking yourself if he could be the one. It's normal to think ahead, especially when you are excited about a new relationship. But remember, your partner might not be at the same stage. While you're ready to make things official, he might still be living in the present. Talking about the future too early can cause confusion and create a mismatch in expectations. He might wonder why you're planning so far ahead when you both are still deciding on dinner plans. This can make him feel like the two of you are on completely different pages.
Many women have a clear idea of what they want in a man. They often have a list of desired qualities. But sometimes, women are so focused on finding a partner that they try to shape any man they meet into their ideal. They might take a man with a few good qualities and assume he has the rest, creating a false image. This is not fair because the man hasn't proven he fits this image. Even careful women can mistake a man's success and charm for compatibility. When they meet a successful and eloquent man, they might think he's perfect. But it's crucial to remember that a great partner is about how they connect with you personally.
This brings us to the end of part 2 of our summary of Get the Guy. We hope you enjoyed this read. If you want to dive deeper into the subject matter of this article you can grab Matthew Hussey's book here or visit his website. In part 3 of our summary, we will discuss topics including keeping the guy, how to be the woman of his dreams, whether he is Mr. Right and how to get him to commit.