Now That You Have Found Love, How Do You Intend to Keep It?
For a lasting relationship to thrive, it needs ongoing nurturing. To maintain a fulfilling connection, don't become complacent when you find your perfect match. Ensure you meet your partner's needs and that he sees you as the "woman of his dreams".
Men have basic triggers that reveal their psychology, which will help you become the woman who fulfills their deepest desires. Here's the most effective way to keep your man:
Give Him the Sexual Validation He Needs
Tell him you find him attractive. It's crucial for your partner to know you are sexually fulfilled by him, as his self-esteem is linked to your attraction. A man's need to feel sexually worthy remains constant, whether it's the tenth date or the tenth year. It's about making him feel desired and able to turn you on. He needs to feel sexually powerful and that he is everything you need in the bedroom, regardless of how emotionally close you may be. If he feels sexually unworthy, it impacts his self-worth and can lead to resentment.
Make Him Feel Unique and Irreplaceable
Every man craves a woman who recognizes his exceptional qualities. In relationships, men need to feel special and unique too. It's important for him to know that you admire certain qualities that make him stand out, distinct from other men and that you would always choose him regardless of circumstances. This boosts his self-esteem and self-worth
A man won't easily let go of a woman who truly knows and appreciates him. Losing her means losing the way she sees him and how he likes to see himself. It means losing the affirmation, validation and understanding she provides, which are key to his self-view. This is especially important for a successful man. He wants to be loved for the qualities that made him successful, not just for things like money, status, or power. Being admired for these material things doesn't make him feel unique; he wants someone who truly gets the strength of his character.
Be a Loyal Partner Who Has His Back
The best couples function as a mutually supportive team, always desiring the best for each other. Loyalty involves not just sexual faithfulness but also consistent reliability and unwavering support that goes beyond monogamy. True loyalty means selflessly backing your partner's goals and genuinely wishing for their success, understanding that what affects one partner impacts both.
Be supportive and loyal in every situation, especially in public. Nothing shatters a man's confidence more than his partner doubting his abilities or not standing by his side. Avoid putting him down in front of others, especially his friends, as it signals a lack of respect. Show loyalty by understanding his perspective. Ultimately, he wants someone who stands by him through thick and thin.
Make Him Feel Like a Protector and Provider
Men have a natural urge to protect and provide. In the past, men did this by earning money for their families. Now, women also contribute financially and can even be the primary breadwinners.
Providing today goes beyond financial support. Men need to feel they contribute meaningfully to their partners, whether through emotional support, guidance, or simply being there for them. They want to be integral to their partner's life and feel indispensable. If they feel insignificant, they may question their purpose and feel emasculated. So, even as a strong and independent woman, allow him to contribute to your life. Telling him you had a rough day and need his closeness allows him to comfort and protect you. Expressing gratitude and a kiss can work wonders.
Be His Ultimate Cheerleader
In a relationship, nurturing and supporting your partner is important. Men need to feel their partner is their biggest cheerleader and are more likely to commit long-term when they have that. To nurture a man, believe in him and his ambitions. During his moments of self-doubt, your unwavering belief reassures and motivates him. Your faith in him creates a "positive feedback loop" - as he senses it, his self-confidence grows, driving him to work harder to meet your expectations.
Men seek a partner who is excited about their future vision. It can be disheartening and demotivating for a man if his partner shows a lack of interest or does not support his projects and pursuits. Men deeply value a partner who shows authentic interest in their passions, sees their potential for growth, and consistently supports them. When a man feels your genuine enthusiasm and belief in his dreams, he will reciprocate and be an encouraging partner for you, creating a positive dynamic that strengthens the relationship.
It's a Balance
Hussey understands you might be confused about how to be a strong, confident, independent woman who doesn't rely on a man for happiness, while also showing him that you need his protection and support. As contradictory as that sounds, a high-value woman needs to balance her independence and self-reliance with the need to show vulnerability and connect emotionally. Demonstrating that you have moments of vulnerability and deep needs can strengthen the bond between you and your partner. It is essential for every man to feel needed by a woman who is not dependent on him for fulfillment.
You can be a strong, independent woman while still appreciating and acknowledging the role your partner plays in your life. Independence and interdependence can coexist in a healthy relationship, where both partners feel valued and fulfilled. Remember that the key is finding a balance that works for both of you. Open communication is crucial to that balance and to understanding each other's needs and building a lasting connection.
How Do You Know if He is Right for You?
Imagine you've met a man and become everything he wants in a partner, yet you still find yourself questioning whether he's truly the right one for you. One of the toughest challenges in searching for a life partner is steering clear of individuals who don't deserve you. Women sometimes settle too quickly, ignoring red flags that will later emerge to harm the relationship. These warning signs might be easy to miss at first, but it's essential to hone the skill of identifying and evaluating them carefully.
What Are His Values?
It’s important to find someone who not only shares your core values (e.g. adventure, family, ambition, etc.) but also ranks them in a similar order of importance as you do. For example, if you tell your partner that family is important and they agree, you might think you have common ground. But if you invite them to Sunday dinners with your parents and they decline because they only see their family on holidays, there might be a value clash.
Imagine you recently started dating someone and stressed the importance of a healthy lifestyle. He agreed, and you felt aligned. However, after a few months, he avoids eating your healthy cooking and declines physical activities. This lack of prioritizing health could lead to conflict and make you question his commitment to well-being. While he might care about his health, it might be lower on his priority list as compared to work, travel, and couple time.
Shared values alone are not enough for long-term relationship compatibility. You must also ensure that your partner’s hierarchy of priorities aligns with your own in terms of how you want to live out and invest in those shared values. Mismatched priorities can breed resentment even if you agree that certain values are important.
If any conflicts arise, have an open and honest talk with your partner about your feelings, concerns, and expectations. He might not fully understand the significance you attach to your values. By discussing your perspectives, you can better understand each other's values and possibly find a satisfactory solution. Remember, successful relationships require effort, compromise, and empathy from both sides.
These Two Values Are Vital
A successful relationship needs these two vital values: personal growth and cooperation.
A relationship will have its challenges, but to truly flourish, both partners must be willing to grow and change if needed. If a partner lacks interest in personal development and self-improvement, it is unlikely that they will be motivated to grow and become a better person for the sake of the relationship. Temporary behavior modifications out of fear of losing the partner are not sustainable. True change requires a deep-rooted commitment and belief in the importance of personal growth, regardless of the relationship status.
Cooperation is equally important. It means working together as a team to improve the relationship and make each other happy. When a partner values cooperation, they actively try to solve any problems or conflicts that come up. They believe that teamwork can help them overcome challenges and create a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
While personal growth and cooperation are essential, they are most likely to contribute to a successful relationship when both partners share similar values and priorities in other areas as well. If there is a significant mismatch in core values, no amount of effort may be sufficient to shape a partner into the person you desire them to be.
The C Word: Commitment
In the context of dating and relationships, the word "commitment" can carry a range of meanings and implications, and its interpretation can vary among individuals. To some, the word commitment can evoke feelings of emotional intimacy, support, partnership, security and stability. For others, commitment is associated with words like loss of independence or monotony and routine. Let's talk about commitment and try to answer some questions that you might have about it.
Why Some Men Are Afraid of Commitment
Contrary to popular belief, most men don't prefer a solitary lifestyle living in a messy apartment and playing World of Warcraft over a loving relationship with you. So why do some guys shy away from commitment? It usually stems from a bad experience with a girl in the past, which leads to negative associations with commitment. When a guy has been hurt in love, his first instinct is not to analyze the complexities of the relationship. Instead, he often develops a fear of “settling down” to avoid deep emotional involvement.
For many men, the idea of "settling down" brings to mind images of a mundane couple spending their Friday nights watching drama-filled TV reality shows or doing dull household chores on the weekends. They think it means losing fun and freedom. They often see their friends making excuses to spend time with their girlfriends instead of doing things they like. Also, society and media often sell men on the fantasy that the perfect man is like the alpha male characters they see on TV and in movies. Characters like James Bond or Don Draper are shown as attractive, smooth, fit, well-dressed, decisive, and irresistible to women. The way these characters easily attract many beautiful women in each movie makes being single seem even more appealing. But in reality, most guys end up sitting at home playing video games, hanging out at the bar with their drinking buddies or striking out with women at the nightclub. Definitely, not as cool as they think their life would be without a serious relationship.
A commitment-phobic man, let's call him Mr. Bachelor, might see his twenties as a time of ultimate freedom with no responsibilities, filled with crazy adventures, travel and numerous sexual encounters. He plans to settle down after turning thirty, once he's financially stable. However, this is unrealistic as many men will reach their mid-thirties not having experienced the adventurous lifestyle they envisioned in their twenties or not having achieved the career success they expected. Even if Mr. Bachelor meets the perfect partner, he might fear commitment, thinking it will stop him from having future adventures and sexual experiences. This hesitance is not necessarily due to their enjoyment of a single life but rather to the perceived freedom that comes with it.
There Are Plenty of Men Who Don’t Shy Away from Commitment
However, despite what many people believe, many men do yearn for a committed romantic relationship. Let's call this man Mr. Commitment. Now Mr. Commitment and Mr. Bachelor in actuality both have the same basic needs. They both want excitement, adventure and sexual satisfaction. The only difference is that Mr. Bachelor thinks he can only get those needs fulfilled by being single. Mr. Commitment, on the other hand, knows he can get those same needs best fulfilled by being in a relationship. Additionally, Mr. Commitment has no delusions as to what a single life is really like.
How to Get Him to Commit
Firstly, you must understand it is impossible to change someone. But while you may not have the power to alter a person's inherent character or personality, you can certainly influence their emotions. A man's basic desires and needs remain unchangeable, yet you can guide him in reimagining how these can be satisfied within a relationship. Actions are more powerful than words. By demonstrating particular behaviors, you can persuade him that being in your company offers joy and good times, varied and exciting adventures, and the most sexually satisfying experiences he'll ever have. In this manner, you possess the ability to metamorphose a devoted bachelor into a devoted partner.
Again, if you want a guy to commit to you, make him believe that being in a relationship with you will bring him happiness and fulfillment. Show him that the more effort he puts in, the better things will be. He may not have consciously realized his desire for a relationship initially, but as he gets to know you as a high-value woman, he will begin to see the potential for a fulfilling partnership with you.
The qualities that initially attracted him to you will be the same qualities that make him want to commit. So, it's crucial to be a high-value woman right from the start. These principles apply whether you're in the first ten minutes of meeting someone or after ten years of being together.
Hussey shares a personal story in regards to commitment. At the time he had no desire to become involved with anyone for a significant amount of time. He firmly believed that there was no man out there who wanted a committed relationship less than him.
On one fateful day he mustered up the courage to say to the woman that he was dating and uttered those dreaded words, "Listen…I don't want a relationship." To his surprise, she did not react with disappointment or anger. Instead, she responded with a playful tone, "Okay, I'm not asking you to marry me, you know." He was taken aback by her nonchalant attitude and her lightheartedness caught him off guard, as he expected her to reject him completely.
In the days that followed, they went about our lives as usual. She did not bring up their conversation, and they continued to make plans to hang out. One day he suggested a day to meet up, she mentioned her busy schedule but proposed an alternative day that was five days later. Hussey recalls that five days seemed like an eternity for him, and he yearned to see her sooner. It was at that moment that he decided to be honest with her, to clarify his earlier statement. Summoning his courage once again, he spoke up. "Listen," he began, "about what I said before... I don't know why I said all that. The truth is, I really do want a relationship with you." To his relief, she responded with a smile and a simple, "Okay, great."
Matthew realized that despite his initial aversion to commitment, he found himself in a situation where he wanted to pursue a relationship with someone he genuinely liked. By lowering Hussey on her list of priorities, she was able to give him the space to analyze his feelings and to come to that conclusion himself.
Conclusion
When a man you like reciprocates your feelings, it's tempting to cling to that attraction with all your might. Here's the catch. You can't make him your top priority right away. If you drop everything and make yourself instantly available to him, it could make you seem less attractive and desirable in his eyes. Rather than holding on too tightly, focus on improving yourself. You have your own life and plans, and you need to show him that. Demonstrate to him that you're a fun, interesting and exciting individual to be with, even when he's not around. It's also about being confident and not compromising on things that are important to you. That's what will make him even more attracted to you.
So, remember, it's all about making him realize that being in a relationship with you will make his life better. Show him your high value. Give him a chance and some time to come on board, but let him know you're not going to wait around forever. You have places to go, things to do and your own path to follow. He needs to know that he can't keep you waiting indefinitely. That's when he'll realize he needs to get on board now if he wants to be a part of your life and join you on that amazing journey.
We hope that you enjoyed this summary of Get the Guy from renowned relationship expert Matthew Hussey. If you want to dive deeper into the topics that we covered in this summary you can pick up a copy of Matthew’s book by clicking on this link. Matthew also has a podcast, YouTube videos, digital programs, live retreats and tons more resources that can help you get the love and fulfilling relationship you truly deserve. Just go to his website or YouTube channel for more info.